LEARNING TO MOURN

LEARNING TO MOURN

         EARLIER THIS MONTH I ATTENDED A FUNERAL FOR AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE. I HADN'T SEEN HER IN YEARS BUT WHEN I HEARD OF THE NEWS OF HER PASSING, I WAS COMPLETELY HEART BROKEN BECAUSE SHE WAS SUCH AN AMAZING PERSON.

        I'VE HAD MANY LOSSES THROUGH OUT THE YEARS AND DEATH IS NOTHING NEW. A FEW YEARS AGO I LOST MY BELOVED DOG REMY AND IT BROKE MY HEART TERRIBLY. SINCE THEN, I THINK I'VE BECOME NUMB TO DEATH AND THE PASSING OF LOVED ONES. THIS LOST OF MY FRIEND I THINK IN A WAY, BECAME A MOMENT IN MY LIFE WHERE AWAKENING HAPPENED.

           I STARTED TO REFLECT ON THE LOST OF FRIENDSHIPS I'VE HAD OVER THE YEARS AND IT MADE ME REALIZE HOW PRECIOUS EVERY INTERACTION IS. PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIVES FOR A REASON AND THEY ARE MEANT TO BE THERE FOR US JUST AS MUCH AS WE ARE SUPPOSE TO BE THERE FOR THEM.

            I HADN'T SEEN MY FRIEND SINCE HIGH SCHOOL, WHICH WAS OVER A DECADE AGO AND YET WHEN THE NEWS OF  HER PASSING CAME TO MY EARS, I CRIED. I HAD TEARS OF SADNESS AT THE LOST OF SUCH A WONDERFUL SOUL AND THE GUILT OF ME LOOSING CONTACT WITH HER. I REALLY SHOULD OF REACH OUT AND MADE AT ATTEMPT ALL THESE YEARS.

        THE CRAZY PART IS I'VE HAD FAMILY MEMBERS PASS IN THE LAST FEW YEARS AND THOSE DIDN'T DEVASTATE ME. WHAT HAS CHANGED?

         I THINK I'M GROWING UP. I THINK WITH TIME AND EXPERIENCE AND LIFE, I'M LEARNING HOW VALUABLE EVERY MOMENT IS AND I'M LEARNING TO MOURN. I GREW UP IN A FAMILY WHERE WE DIDN'T DEAL WITH OUR EMOTIONS. WE SHUT THEM OFF AND WE MOVE ON, WE NEVER TALK ABOUT  IT. HAVING TWO YOUNG SOULS TO RAISE MYSELF, I WANT MY CHILDREN TO GROW UP EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY AND SO I'VE  BEEN WORKING ON MYSELF AND HELPING THEM LEARN COPING SKILLS SO THAT THEY BECOME GOOD HEALTHY, EMOTIONALLY FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEINGS.

        LEARNING TO MOURN IS SOMETHING THAT HAS TO BE LEARNED,  WE AREN'T BORN WITH THIS INNATE SKILL ON HOW TO DEAL WITH DEATH, WE LEARN HOW TO COPE FROM OUR PARENTS, FRIENDS AND ENVIRONMENT. WHEN YOU DON'T LEARN THESE SKILLS AS A KID, YOU GROW UP EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE.  IN MY OPINION , ITS UNHEALTHY BECAUSE YOU CAN'T PROCESS THE TRAUMA SO IT SITS AND FESTERS AND BECOMES BAD HABITS.

          THE TRAUMA THAT FORMS TURNS INTO BEHAVIORS THAT ARE UNWANTED. YOU DON'T KNOW IT RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT, BUT ALL THOSE BAD HABITS THAT YOU HAVE, ARE A ROOT OF SOMETHING DEEPER. AS I REALIZED THIS, IT MADE ME WANT TO CHANGE. I GOT TIRED OF BEING TIRED SO I MADE IT A GOAL  RECENTLY TO GO TO THE GYM. DURING MY WORK OUTS NOT ONLY AM I BURNING CALORIES AND ENERGY- IT BECOMES A WORKING MEDIATION FOR ME, I START TO WORK OUT OLD SHIT THAT IS FESTERING IN ME THAT I NEVER DEALT WITH.

MY LEARNING TO MOURN, HAS BEGAN MY PROCESS OF HEALING.